Britain or Bust – I'm Scared
Over the last year I’ve tried to keep you up to date on the planning for our summer holiday in Britain. Besides booking the flats, the last few months have been very quiet while we waited for time to pass . Oh yeah, and there was shoveling and shoveling and shoveling. But now we are at the moment where we should be booking our flights. Finally! There’s no going back now, this seals the deal. Trouble is, over the last two months I’ve had a number obstacles come my way which threatened to derail this trip of a lifetime for me and as I write this they are still happening.
It’s as if Murphy has taken up residence in my home. He’s kicked off his shoes, put on his evening clothes, lit his pipe and is, at this very moment, kicked back in the lounge liked a paying house guest – as long as he can pay, he’s stayin’. I’ve always had a difficult time talking about myself; I’m a fairly private person. I also don’t like to complain much because I know there are people in this world with much bigger problems than I can possibly imagine. But as I write this I’m fighting back tears, as I have been doing for the last few weeks it seems. Most of the time I’m successful in keeping the tap closed but then the pipes burst and it’s impossible for me to stop the tide.
Last month, we were happy to discover that Uncle Sam was going to be good to us this tax time and put some much needed cash in our pockets – spending money for our holiday. Then someone hit our car. $500 deductible. Then our second car broke down. $200 repair bill. Then we received an unexpected $300 medical bill. Easy come, easy go! Then the real fun began. A doctor discovered that I have nodules on my thyroid. She says they are nothing to worry about and is taking a wait and see attitude, ordering a repeat ultrasound in six months. But experience has taught me to always get a second opinion. My brother-in-law’s cancer was missed by the first doctor. So now, after waiting twenty days JUST to make an appointment with a specialist, I have to wait another month to actually be seen. For someone like me, who is a worrier, this is like torture. In the meantime I hesitate about whether or not to order our plane tickets. What if it turns out I need surgery and follow up treatments? Will I have enough time before our trip? Everyone keeps telling me to forge ahead with our plans. But I keep thinking, not only will I be completely devastated if I book and something goes wrong, but that’s $4K in plane tickets down the drain, which means it could be a couple more years before we could afford to go again.
During this same time, I’ve been worried about losing my job. I work for a school system which is having a very tough budget year and is considering redundancies. Then last night I found something else – a painful lump on my clavicle. I’ve always had trouble with sebaceous cysts, but this is beneath the skin. Like I said, it is very painful. I keep trying to tell myself it’s probably just a cyst but in the back of my mind, well…you know. Either way it means I’m back to the doctor. Gawd, I hate getting older! So now, another obstacle which makes me hesitate, which makes me wonder, “How much longer can I wait to buy our tickets?” Can I put it off another month until all of these appointments have passed and I know what I’m dealing with? Or will that be too late? Should I just throw my hands up and say “Forget it!” and move on, rescheduling our trip for a later time? This was supposed to be the happiest year for our family- my son is graduating, I’m graduating from college and then I was finally returning to the land I love. I know I shouldn’t ask “Why me?” but can I at least ask “Why now?”I just wish fate could give me another six or eight months and then if he wants to kick me around like Wayne Rooney then so be it.
Do you have any words of wisdom for me? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Should I stay or should I go? I look forward to reading your thoughts and thanks for letting cry into your virtual shoulder.
